anxiety Archives - Thoughts of Everything

Sometimes I Think My Mind is Going to break

December 2, 2018

Moments like this I so glad for technology and well I’m very glad for this blog for many reasons. This most important is that I can say things with our fear of my words being changed around to benefit someone else. Or that anxiety or sensation like feeling of people are not really listening to you. Most of the time it doesn’t bother me as most of us do this to others even me. Though I try my best and I hate when I don’t listen and once it get hard to break. The thing I understand as based off everything I experienced throughout my life is that most people don’t like being ignored. Most humans are social and all of us have experienced someone not listening to you. It happens but lately I have come to the understanding that you can tell if a person gives a shit or not. First, you got to remember everyone’s brains work differently and when a person is really like really focused on some sort of task, they are most likely not going to hear everything. I know from my own experience of this on both sides, like when I catch myself doing it or others doing it to me. Now this is where it can take some time to know or see when a social interaction with another person is more stress and anxiety then it is worth. I’ve always loved the 3 times is a charm thing as I’ve kind of used that as my rule of thumb for somethings. This instance would be social interactions that seem sour or not response back. I don’t know I just notice it more and catch myself before I waste energy. I’m not saying be an asshole or something.

Well I’ve seem to be in the probably the shittest of shit situations I have ever been in. And because of this I’m believe in karma and how people don’t think about how their actions affect everyone and everything. The situation I’m watching unfold gives me the most absolute deepest sadness in more then one way. I’ve never felt this before and in a way. My mom had said something to me about something else a while back “think about how your actions affect others“. I’ve told myself I’ve always wanted to watch karma truly unfold to people who do things that are just not right. Now I’m regretting as stated I’m truly sad and depressed as well as I feel like I’m continuously walking on egg shells. It sucks when I bust my ass too to overcome the walking on egg shell when I’m in constant pain with bulging discs from my neck down to my lumbar from a car accident in 2012. I feel bad for all the other affect by this retarded shit that should have never fucking happened to me in the first place.

The thing is I’ve kind of always been bullied so I can see through people’s actions a bit more. But because my love for knowledge, science, and facts I take more deeper looks at things and situations as one understanding I do have is most people are good. Just at that dumbass stage in their lives. Though the person or persons who said the statements that lead to this entire situation are bad people. That I know for sure. I just wish that it had never happened but I know I can’t make others do things or not fucking lie.

Anyways, thank you for reading. if you don’t know what I’m talking about go a head and contact me here: Contact the creator or read this article which is the only other public post about this situation.

This didn’t just hurt me as a person but also a business owner as well. It makes it hard for me to try and promote my own thing or even want to talking about myself around them as I never know if someone is changing my words around. Not only did I not deserve this is a prime example of one of our problems in society. Bullying which is the cause of mental issues including anxiety and depression.

Thanks again for reading.

Life Surprises Me All The Time, But Not Always Something I like, Damn Human nature

August 26, 2018

Ru-Kun

Most of the time in life I’m usually pretty easy going and was more so before I had got a major injury that has affected the rest of my life. I was injured in a car accident with FedEx and to this day I regret settling my case instead of going full force law suit. But the amount of stress and the extra bullshit from the case and my own legal team that I actually still have stress issues and anxiety and anger with. But I know for what goes around comes around. I will never stop believing that as I’ve seen enough in my life to know that it does. Anyways, so I was hit by a FedEx van that was going 60 mph on Highway 395 just outside Deer Park, Wa heading into Spokane to go to work at Walmart on north Colton in the city of Spokane United States. I suffered multiple bulging disc from my neck down to my lumbar spine. This happen in 2012 and I still have issues to this day and it’s never going away. But I’m doing my best to manage my pain and doing pretty good for the most part. But I have a bulging disc in my neck, I think like 2. I have 2 in I think in my thoracic spine with some slight compression on my spine between T7=8 and T8-9. I also have some bugling disc in my lumbar I think one disc is slightly degenerated. I would have to look at my MRI stuff. Anyways I might go more into detail about this later on in a later post of something.

So as you can see I have a lot of issues including a degenerative eye issue called keratoconus which I had all my life pretty much. Basically I don’t have as good of vision as most people. You could say I’m pretty damn disabled and yet I fee and have bee told that I work harder then most healthy people. I’m in pain all the time but do my best to maintain it. But its not always possible especially when your like me and work a crap ton of hours. I’m pretty much working overtime most of the time since Black Friday of last 2017. So I work a lot of hours for a company called Kellermeyer Bergensons Services where I’m a Crew Lead in their janitorial area of services and have been for a while now. About a year and half. I also run my own business since 2010. It doesn’t make much money but it starting too and trying to kick it up a notch. I have a 4 year degree, majored in Software systems engineering and minor in business management. But I have issues sitting for long periods of time now because of my car accident injury. So I don’t really work in my field of study except for my business. And I am getting management type experience from KBS (short for Kellermeyer Bergensons Services), but my experience working for them hasn’t always been the greatest. And by next year I’ll be making minimum wage again for boss work. I have asked for a raise many times.

LOL I’m always looking for the better opportunity here is my current resume located on my own secure web server for the most part ran by me with some limitations of root access: https://cdn.rutakus.net/resumes/Russ_gen-resume2018.pdf

Continue reading →

American Dreamers. Music sometimes…well..um…always really moves me

April 20, 2018

Ru-Kun

So lately I have been under a lot of extra not needed stress lately due to some issues at work that I have never experienced or I ever would have believed to have happened to me. But it happened and my anxiety and ultimately my depression has been on the rise. I hate how much emotions can make physical health much worse if you already have issues such as I do with a back and neck injury that doesn’t go away. I have it managed to a point but pains are never going away. So as I have been feeling like I have been walking on egg shells at work with this situation that had happened, because I’m a goofy white man LOL I’m not going to go into that but maybe later in member only content. Anyways, I glad I got this site up and running again as it is kind of like my therapy. Anyways, before I begin I will say that I listen to just about everything from rock, metal, rap, blues and even electronic and dance music.

Anyways at the place that the situation had occurred I have been hearing this song playing overhead while I’ve been cleaning the store I felt it was kind of catchy but also I kind of felt a sadness that I couldn’t explain. So I spent sometime looking it up-the internet is so damn awesome-I probably took longer to find them without the net. I basically looked them up by song lyrics in Google. The song is called American Dreamer by Kyd the Band. Very good song and I plan checking out the other songs a bit more later. When I looked up the lyrics I started to understand the sadness a bit more. Maybe I just read to much into things but this is Thoughts of Everything and I the creator am the sole thoughts provider right now at the moment. But I was much moved and glad to have heard this song. In a sense this is how I feel about the girl I am with I want to buy her a house and share it forever. Even hand it down to her daughter. What saddens me is how most who end up in the situation where they lose the house or even when having hard times with making ends meat they fear that person leave them as it happens all the time in society as love seems to a bit more materialistic which doesn’t make a good team at all. But it happens.

Quote from song: “I think I wanna buy you a house I think I wanna share forever right now And if the bank man comes to steal it away I hope you, I hope you stay” American Dreamer by: Kyd the Band

See what I mean. Here is the video as so good:

Thank you Kyd the Band for a great song.;